3:16 PM

The Ones that did not make it to Wiki Leaks!


The recent Wiki Leaks was truly hilarious in some ways.
One that took the cake was that the Saudi King suggested released Guantanamo Bay detainees be implanted with electronic chips to keep track of them, like they do horses and falcons - sounds like something out of a Hollywood block buster!
The other cables seem to indicate that US diplomats are a genteel lot considering what potential secrets could have been passed on through those secure cables! Here are a few that could have made it to the list.
Cable from the Italian consulate in Delhi to HQ: Looks like India has better Italian leadership than Italy has.
Cable from the Chinese embassy to HQ: Looks like the Chinese are not going to have an erection.. er. election any time too soon..
Cable from US Secretary of State to US Consulate in Pakistan: We will let the Pakis continue to support the suicide bombers in India; that way they will be more busy bombing Mumbai and Delhi leaving us alone in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Cable from Kenya to HQ: I strongly recommend that the President rename the White House to some other, for instance, Black House, because Kenyans and many Africans refer to the loo as their White House. It's truly disgusting.
Cable to HQ from the US embassy in Delhi: The Consulate has run out of toilet paper. Please expedite the process of sending the necessary item immediately before the Consul General is forced to use an adult diaper!
Urgent communique from the US president to British PM visiting South Asia: In India the agenda should be to blast the Pakis out of their wits and when in Pakistan give the Indians a good blastng. That's true diplomacy. As they say be a Roman in Rome!
Cable from a US diplomat on tour of Iran: Just found out that the Iranian president has a soft spot for Mickey Mouse movies and wears Mickey Mouse adorned underwear. Recommend that we put an embargo on these two items as well, if we already have not.
US Consul official on hotline from Saudi Arabia: URGENT: Our stock of Bloody Marys destroyed when US fighter jet carrying them over in a diplomatic pouch got shot while flying over Kuwait. Recommend express delivery of the same!

7:55 PM

Elegy on the death of a Cow

Once upon a time in the sleepy town of Malkapur a cow died by the roadside. Rumors soon spread all over town. There was one group that claimed that the holy Cow had been poisoned by the Muslim community to vent their disapproval of the Hindus. Another group claimed that it had been poisoned by a Hindu posing as a Muslim to create animosity between the two communities. There was a third group that claimed that the cow had been poisoned by a Hindu posing as a Muslim who had originally been a Muslim. None were ready to believe that a healthy cow could have died a natural death.
In the riots that followed five people were killed, two of them burnt alive in their houses.
The Central Reserve Police Force was deployed in town and a dawn to dusk curfew imposed. The authorities ordered an autopsy on the dead cow, bowing down to public pressure.
The kith and kin of the five who were killed were compensated handsomely by the government. The brethren of the dead cow of course got nothing except for the pride of place on the streets and highways where they strolled around chewing newspaper that told the horror stories of the Hindu - Muslim clashes with commentaries by eminent analysts.
The local veterinary hospital claimed that they did not have the facilities to perform as sophisticated a procedure as an autopsy on a dead cow. So the body of the cow was placed in a mortuary for months before it was sent to Delhi for further investigations.
The authorities realised that the autopsy by itself was not important. If the cow had been poisoned the Hindus would riot. And if it had not been poisoned the Muslims would riot for the injustice done to them earlier.
Finally after much deliberation the result of the autopsy was buried under sheets of red tape and the dead cow was soon forgotten by one and all as everyone waited expectantly for the India Pakistan cricket series to start.

12:33 PM

India's "soft" ware power - Reality or Hype?

Much has been made of India's so-called soft power, the loudest vocalist being our very own Shashi Tharoor. I can assure you this is not mere hype as far as my experience goes.
The Egyptian software programmer with whom I worked with in Kuwait (On Kuwait) surprised me one day when he asked me questions about Amitabh Bachchan. I don't know how this guy from a conservative Arab culture came to hear about the evergreen Bollywood hero, but his name seems to have reached far flung corners of the world. Another occasion of Bollywood power reared its head was while watching a popular German TV show on the German equivalent of MTV in Germany (On Germany). The hep female anchor (who I noticed wore a different hairdo at every one of her shows) mentioned "Hollywood-Bollywood" before a racy Bollywood number was shown. The rest of what she said was in German but the word "Bollywood" was loud and clear. I don't know whether Germans are aware of the thriving film industry in India, but it seems they do have some inkling of it ('Dil to Pagal Hai' must have received publicity in Germany when parts of it were shot there).
That rests the case of the hype about the Indian film industry, but India, Indians and the Indian culture are known for other things as well.
I remember the occasion when before I travelled to Germany, my German boss requested me to bring some Ayurvedic herbs. This was, he said for a friend of his who suffered from chronic pain, but it turned out it was at the behest of his German girlfriend of two years who was a pharmacist in town. Ayurveda must not be much popular away from its cradle in South India, but it is extremely popular in the land which gave the world the science of Homeopathy.
Another request was for Alphonso mangoes, the popular export quality mango strain from India; however I could not fulfil this request, the fact being that I could not procure these costly mangoes in Kerala at short notice, without the risk of being duped by some shrewd businessman who might pass off some commonplace mangoes as "Alphonso".
Another request was from the subordinate of my German boss who requested for a couple of pair of jeans, giving me his waist size as well. I could not understand the reason for this request when I believed the West was the cradle of the jeans culture. When I asked this guy the reason, he told me matter of fact that all the high quality clothes that came to Germany nowadays were imported from countries such as India and other Asian countries. This was proved for good measure once again when my brother in the US of A returned last month with T-shirts manufactured in India and Sri Lanka.
The cycle has turned full circle!

1:13 PM

A major lifestyle shift

Last smoked on 9/11/2010
Method: Nicotine gum


rainbowstar-1.png image by pancakequits


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

*Reinhold Niebuhr*


QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

11:45 AM

Oh, the joys of being a multi-linguist!

I am sure most Indians who have gone through high school are well versed in at least three languages - English, a regional language and Hindi - the national language. In case of people residing outside their native state, one could add the mother tongue to this list as well. When I say well versed I mean speak, read and write in at least one and at least speak or read in the other two.
I have mentioned that I speak English, Hindi, Marathi and my mother tongue in Malayalam for good measure in this post. I am sure there are many such stories out there.
What are the not so obvious advantages of multi-linguism?
On the lighter side, I would say would be that I can watch a Bollywood masala movie and experience the typical euphoria that a good flick does without caring much for a true depiction of real life. However if I would like to watch a cold calculated, well researched and realistic movie that has a storyline worthy of a novel, I would go watch a Hollywood blockbuster. And I would undergo a totally different set of emotions for either one. It would be like a switch turning off on one set of perceptions and turning on another.
I am sure a monolingual person can never in his life experience that.
A more useful result would be one where a person would be wearing a different thinking hat each time he converses, reads or writes in a different language.
When one converses in English, he would tend to be formal, business like and professional - the language of the work culture. In a regional language one would switch to a more rustic ambience and try to share the bond of the local language. In Hindi one would be speaking the lingua franca that binds all of us together as the most understood language pan-nation. In one's mother tongue, like how this video parodies, he would be striking a bond that relates to nativity, a bond among Indians that binds better than any other. Not only this, when one speak in any of these languages, he would actually become part of that culture, transforming himself for that moment to a representative of that culture.
Any more ideas out there?

11:35 AM

Modern Day Highway Robbers

On the eve of Meter Jam day, here is my two penny contribution to make life a less corrupt experience.
I took an auto from the College campus that had just dropped a customer near the College back gate. As I travel very frequently by auto, I got into this auto and directed the driver to drive me to my destination. We travelled via the back gate, and he dropped me at a hotel very near the local police station.
It was then the drama started.
The normal fare from back gate is Rs.25 (which itself is a bit exorbitant – it should be minimum fare). This guy asked me for Rs. 30. I said I stick to my principles and would not pay anyone more or less than the standard. He refused to accept the Rs. 25 I gave him. He asked me to come to the police station. I refused to give him the Rs. 30, and neither did I think I had any business to be in a police station. So I told him, if you want to lodge a complaint, please go right ahead. A policeman was standing nearby. When I tried to gain his attention, he just pointed his fingers to the police station with a lack of interest.
Since I could not deal with this person anymore, I gave up and entered the hotel for supper. I saw him standing outside the hotel calling on his mobile, most probably other fellow drivers. Soon this driver entered the hotel, caught me by my ID tag and loudly read my name. When I protested, he let go and left.
When I came out of the hotel, this same driver was standing near the entrance surrounded by a few other auto drivers, his cronies. Auto drivers are sometimes like crows. When one is fallen, they all flock together.
These four guys started harassing me asking for the 30 rupees, first mildly saying, why quarrel for such a small amount, and then getting physical. Somehow I managed to escape the clutches of these goons, walked to the local auto stand and returned to college in another auto.
When I was in class for about two hours, I had a surprise. There was a policeman in the class! He said that an auto driver had lodged a complaint and he had come to investigate. How did he know where to find me? From my name the auto driver had given to this "Sherlock Holmes", and then the location from where I was picked up, made the rest easy for him. I was embarassed in front of my colleagues, my teacher and most of all our college principal. And those who didn’t know what was going on were wondering what a policeman was doing inside a College class. I told the policeman I would report to the local police station the next day morning as he requested.
Some of my friends volunteered to come with me to the police station the next day, wasting their precious time and money in the process. But I declined their offer of help, though noble. If they came, I thought it would be viewed as an altercation not between me and the driver but the College community and local auto drivers.
Luckily, my uncle lived in that locality and I went with him to the police station the next day.
We were presented before the station in charge and soon we were joined by the auto driver himself. It was a war of wits.
The auto driver argued that since he was expected to be paid the return fare, 30/- was reasonable. We raised the point that there was no designated auto stand at the College back gate. Where was he returning to? Back from the town or to the town?
The police conceded our point. We also raised the issue of this guy catching hold of me by the tag and also the harassment by his cronies.
The police asked me to pay him only Rs. 25 as that was what was expected in such a situation.
Who lost in the process? I lost my four hours of my productive time, but stood by my priciples, the policemen wasted time futilely. The autodriver? He wasted nothing in the process. He did not even lose his honor for in the first place he did not have any!
What was he trying to achieve? Prove that goondaism against an educated college student would hold inside a police station? Really beats logic.
I agree not all auto drivers are like the person I described, but they are the few who give a bad name to the lot.
Luckily I have an uncle in the locality. But I dare not think what would have befallen a hapless colleague from a far off place with no proper person for support.

9:29 AM

Of Arson and Violence

In the wastelands of Western Vidharbha, in a small hamlet, in the eastern shadows of Maharashtra's vast geography, you will be surprised to come across a hillock on which are perched a dozen, tall futuristic buildings. This is the private Science and Technology college that would not have existed had it not been for the fact that this was the village that gave the state of Maharashtra two Chief Ministers. In the midst of parched farmlands and dry wasteland sprung up a miracle in architecture, equipped with one of the best scientific equipment in the country, well skilled lecturers from every part of India, and creme de la creme alumni of the local government college of engineering.
It was no wonder that the reputation of this college spread far and wide. The college had prospective candidates from as far flung states from Bengal to Gujarat and from Kerala to Kashmir.
All went well for a long time, though the college inmates segregated themselves state-wise and then caste-wise, thereby preserving their sometimes aggressive culture instead of assimilating the local. There was always someone from this elite colleage who topped the ranks in science and technology.
A cult of Muslims had made their home in this god forsaken place many centuries ago. They were mostly small time businessmen and consequently higher up the social pyramid. They differed in physique and you could say they belonged to some different race. While the locals were dark skinned and stunted, these muslim migrants were tall and of a very fair color. It was as if there had been an exodus many many years back from some Himalayan region to this wasteland which they had now decided to call home.
The females of this muslim clan were fair skinned, tall and had aristocratic features with grey blue eyes much like Persian women, though they did wear the burkah, some of them the hijab and some even the purdah in the intolerable heat.
It was for one beautiful damsel, the daughter of a wealthy muslim businessman, that a Kashmiri student(lets call him Vikki, son of a DSP in Kashmir) of the college fell for. He promsised to marry the girl and take her off to his native Kashmir once his studies were over. He consulted this young beauty's parents and they readily agreed, considering the fact that they were both muslim and shared a common culture in the vague sense.
But it was the girl's brother who did not take it that easy. He took umbrage to the fact that Vikki and his new girlfriend had take a vacation to Kashmir, with the girl's father's permission of course.
Vikki was stabbed twice in the back by his love's brother when he was out in town one evening. News, or it could be rumour reached the college that Vikki was hanging betweeen life and death in the local hospital.
The Kashmiri conglomerate at the college took serious note of the matter and held an impromptu meeting. They were soon joined by Delhiites, Punjabis... and everyone soon forgot their cultural differences and were out on the road in the mid of night, baying for local blood, calling out "Revenge!", deciding that the event was an insult to the college inmates. There was rioting and arson. Several shops, the very shops whose services they availed of, the local video parlors, cigarette vending shops went up in flames. The Head of Department, computer Science lit a cigarette as he coolly watched tea stalls, ramshackle eating joints, laundry shops going up in flames in a matter of hours just in front of the college gates.
Police arrived in the wee hours of the morning with arson continuing to the early hours. The policemen were small in number; they were local police not trained to handle something of this magnitude.
The unequipped police were pushed back by bricks and stones thrown by the college inmates. Some of the more enterprising and shady of the Gorakhpuris were ready with country made guns(katta) they had smuggled in, and others had cycle chains; and hacksaw blades sharpened at the edges in the mechanical department's workshop to serve as knives.
The police force that arrived that afternoon, however, were not the ordinary policemen these rampaging students had faced earlier. These were the State Reserved Police Force(SRPF) specially trained in handling riots. When the rioting students welcomed the SRPF with stones and cycle chains, they fired at the crowd. Some Kashmiri youth, who had been in riot situations in their native Kashmir before, spread the rumor that the firing was just a ruse, the rubber bullets would not harm anybody.
But what the SRPF fired that day were real bullets, and two Kashmiri students were fatally shot.
Seeing their fallen comrades, the rampaging college students fled in all directions.
As usually what happens in such situations, it was the innocent bystanders who were caught in the cross-fire. The real perpetrators of the riot locked themselves in their hostel rooms and it was 210 mostly innocent students who were simply witness to the goings-on, who were led to the Central Prison that bloody day.
After one month in the central prison treated as ordinary criminals, sleeping next to proclaimed offencers and sharing their meals with murderers, these poor young men were released on bail from judicial custody. The political guardian of the district being a high profile hot-shot hushed up the whole matter afraid of a political undertone. Not a single national newspaper reported it, except a miniscule local newspaper that published a small column that everybody soon forgot about.